They say you must capture your “audience” in the first paragraph- so here it goes: I am
the 5th of 6 children. My family was homeless when I was just 9 months old. I was molested
most of my childhood. I was the primary care giver for my mom as she died of cancer.... and I
wouldn’t change a thing.
Of course, I was too young to feel the pressure and stress of living in a tent as a family
of 7. We were always poor growing up. There was no such thing as “getting your own
hamburger” if you got to go out to eat. It was a special occasion to go to McDonalds. Each
person would get a 50 cent hamburger, and had to share it with someone. The bond and the
memories we all had I wouldn’t trade for anything! The creativity my siblings and I had to
have to create toys in our backyard is priceless. Something I still use to this day!
The molesting started when I was just 2 by people I trusted, and lasted till I was 13
when I finally got the courage to say something. It did affect me for years. I had a tainted view
on passion as I got older. A feeling of “I’m one of those women” seemed to always hover over
me. I struggled with feeling alone and “sinful” for most my teen life.
Christmas Eve 1999, I was 18. My mom had been misdiagnosed for months. Having
been told she had a “bad infection”, turned into a rush to the ER, emergency operation, her
needing to be revived in the OR- because an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit had ruptured
inside of her. Seeing my dad hold her wedding rings in his hand, sobbing while we waited for
her to come out, was one of the hardest parts. Amazingly, my mother made it out of that, but
had a long battle for another 2 years after. On December 21, 2001, she finally went where she
had been begging to go “to see her God”.
At 20, I was very alone. I had to grow up quick and set aside my “fun life” to take care
of my dad and younger sister (who has epilepsy). All of a sudden a household of laundry, menu
planning, cooking, and cleaning was all my responsibility now. My mom was a great Christian.
She believed in God, she sang hymns, and memorized Bible verses all the way till the minutes
she took her last breath. She was strong. I was strong with her, until she was gone. Then it got
real. What kind of God does this? Why did He let her suffer so long? Why did He take my mom
away? Why do we always have to have a hard life? Bible reading was a reminder of my Mom,
so I continued to read the Bible despite my hate for God at that time. The verse was Psalms
42:11 “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.” When life is
to the point where you can’t see any positive, and there are no answers, there IS one thing you
have left to do- Hope. I needed help for my countenance. My soul was hurting! I learned to
just hope that God would come through for me. I hoped that He had a plan and an answer.
Years passed, I lost more loved ones, and it ripped open that wound over and over. Yet
over and over, I had to tell myself “I will HOPE in God”. I had a few years of an amazing life,
with a few bumps along the way, but nothing serious! I was married to an amazing man,
babies started coming and growing up, life was good. I felt God was keeping His promises that I
had put my hope in. He was comforting me, He did have a plan. 2014 brought a lot more
bumps- financial changes, job changes for my husband, and even a very sad miscarriage. I
haven’t forgotten the God I have put my hope in.
It’s hard to put an entire 33 years into one paper, but I wanted to at least put my reason
for living in writing. Maybe you or someone you know has hit rock bottom. Maybe they need a
God to hope in. I believe we all need someone to look to. For me, it was my mom. I saw her
faith. If it was real for her, it must be something worth considering. Pain is real, it hurts, and
when the pain is as bad as it can get, you’ll look around and realize you ARE alone. Put your
hope in God. He will comfort you. He does have a plan.
“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not
to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I’m not a pastor or a perfect person. I haven’t been through as much as the next person might
have, but we all have some parts of a hard life we wish someone could understand. I do believe
God is real, and I do believe He hears our prayers and cries. If you ever need a prayer, or
someone to listen, feel free to email anytime!
Thanks for reading :)
Posted by Katie Williams on 01 March, 2016 | 2 comments